The leadership blog for successful women

... for being or becoming a great leader. Or simply having the life you really want. 

One relationship?

Really? We need a whole network and many relationships to be successful, don't we?

Yes, absolutely.

And still, success and leadership starts somewhere else.

THE RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF.

And having a good one is in fact rarer than you might think!

Last week I had several  conversations with people and I listened to a number of issues and challenges people face in their leadership roles. 

And  interestingly ALL of them led back to the same root cause: namely that the leaders  have not enough awareness of themselves and did not know themselves intimately.

We tend to look outside and notice other peoples's behaviour, their flaws, their patterns, their perks.

What many don't do often: look inside. 

Totally natural - we tend to be rather blind towards some of our own stuff for a number of reasons.

The most important one: NOBODY TAUGHT US HOW TO DO...

When we talk about relationships, most people take a look at their outside world.

The relationships with our loved ones.
The relationships with colleagues.
The relationship with friends....you name it.

And so they put their effort into developing, building or restoring these relationships.

What many overlook though, is the first step:

Developing a relationship with themselves.

What I mean by that is not just taking care of ourselves - the infamous self-care.

I'm rather talking about taking time to

- look inside
- get to know oneself on a deep(er) level
- own and take care of our own fears & insecurities
- notice and manage our emotions and mental chatter
- becoming aware of our patterns and beliefs
- connecting with who we really are underneath all the social conditioning

...in summary: Doing the inner work, becoming authentic and building a relationship with self.

So that we can have compassion, love, understanding and patience with ourselves that we show others....instead of beating...

In the past, when people shouted at me, shut down, or were getting very defensive, I got really furious. Or frustrated. And took it personally. Almost always.

And believed that there was absolutely no reason for their behaviour.
 
What I simply couldn't see back then was THAT EVERY PERSON HAS THEIR OWN STRUGGLES. 
 
Maybe the colleague (or your partner at home) has experienced things that traumatized them, or it might be a childhood trauma that still sticks with them. Maybe they had or have a difficult situation that now triggers habitual responses.
 
Which makes them less attentive. Less focused and maybe even absent-minded. Or even rude, dismissive or aggressive in a conversation or interaction. 
 
"Not my problem", you could say.

And yes, in a way, you're right. 

While it's not your responsibility how someone reacts, it could impact your relationship drastically.

Whatever it is - a be a big deal for the other person, or maybe it's just an emotional...

Superficial small talk does not build relationships. That is valid for the business world too. 

You might believe deeper relationships are unnecessary in business - after all colleagues might not be your friends.

They might not be - that's not the point here.

Deeper relationships WILL create different results (more of that at the end of the post) - for ALL parties involved! So, worth giving it a go.

Many leaders are guilty of asking those dreaded, one-dimensional questions that lead nowhere beyond the small talk instead of asking intriguing questions that trigger deeper conversations. 

How can you do that?

Focus on the other person. 

Everyone wants to be seen and heard. 

Even the ones who consider themselves humble, self-less, or give themselves the label of being introverts. 

So, here's a suggestion for 9 very different questions to knock your next business meeting out of the park.

Some are really BIG.

Don't be afraid or shy though to ask them.

Most people LOVE to...

In a relationship - be it in business or privately, we often take the eyes off this "we're building a future together that we're both enjoy" - even if it sucks today. 
 
While we're busy being angry, frustrated, or annoyed at someone, particularly in business - despite striving for collaboration and progress - it's actually easy to forget (or not even define) what success means for all participants and the organisation.  
 
Or we start blaming someone for the unwanted situation!
 
The antidote: 
 
1. Stop judging the other person-  
THE FASTER WE JUDGE THE OTHER PERSON, THE QUICKER THE RELATIONSHIP GOES INTO DESPAIR.

I know, I know, easier said than done. If we pay attention to our own desire or habit to judge we can stop it. And become curious. Might not work all the time - but it's a great start to be aware and give it a go. With practice, it will work more regularly - promised.
 
2. Remember that the energy in a...

It looks like we won't get rid of the Corona situation and the consequences any time soon. Part of it is that many people still work remotely, some work in the office while keeping distance, some do both. 

That creates its own challenges. And even more so when you're a leader in another country than your home country - in other words, if you are an expat. Or if you start new in an organisation during these times and desire to get to know and align your team. 

So, now I've recently started - together with a befriended leadership coach - a Meetup group in the Munich area, particularly (but not exclusively) for Expat Leaders. And this was exactly the topic we discussed in our very first Meetup event on September 4th. 

Here's the video which we recorded to make the information accessible for more people and we discussed these issues:

* Keeping communication and coordination of work up

 * Little informal time to chat

 * People spread out

 * Feeling of...

Insight no 1:

Whatever someone does “to” me, has nothing to do with me and all to do with the other person.

 “He never said thank you – he’s ignoring me….I’m not really important”. We’ve all been there. Someone treats us horrible, outside of our set of values or understanding. We start interpreting, put a label on the behaviour, judge, and unfortunately, the judgement often has to do with beating ourselves up on some level.

It must be me, right? Why would this person say that otherwise (or ignore me, or be rude, offensive or whatever)?

WRONG.

We all go through some struggle. So does the person we might have issues with. Most of our thoughts circle around ourselves (this is why we take things so personally!). So do the thoughts of the other person.

Their rudeness, offensiveness, negligence or dismissiveness has nothing to do with us and all with him or her. How he sees the world, what kind of challenges the person deals...

Have you ever faced the situation where a crisis hit you out of the blue? Silly question, right? As I literally don’t know anybody who did not, at some point in their lives.  

This could be the loss of a job, your partner telling you that they want to leave, a diagnosis from your doctor which turns your world upside down.

That’s the kind of crises I’m talking about.

From Shock…..

Often the first reaction is pain, panic, shame, fear…..or we’re utterly and completely paralysed, our brains literally not functioning anymore. Maybe accompanied by crying, shouting or acting out.

We might feel victimized on top of all those difficult emotions. Why does that happen to me? Why do I have to suffer through this?

Typical (yet rather destructive) questions to ask ourselves – let me come back to that in a minute.

Maybe we’re even looking for someone to blame for the situation. 

…To DOING

When the first rage or pain settles...